Musings of a Restless Mind
by smiley83
Summary: It's the final year at the National Academy of Dance. At a time when his friends are busy planning for their future, Christian is in a hellhole - alone and lost. Will he find his way back to them? The third year told from Christian's perspective. *****I do not own DA or any of the characters. All rights belong to ABC3, Australia*****
1. Alone in a crowd

**I saw this interview with the DA actors and a couple of them said that they always wanted to know what Christian was thinking. That gave me the idea for this story. I would really appreciate your honest opinion on this. And as always, thanks for reading!**

"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell." - **Emily Dickinson**

The sun cast an orange glow across the sky and on the water as it bid adieu to the ocean. Huge frothing white waves crashed at the shore ruthlessly. As I sat at the beach watching the sunset, they beckoned me to ride them. However, I squashed my desire and tried to focus on the mindless chatter surrounding me. Ever since I came back with Raf from our Tazzy trip, I have been hanging out with this group of kids. I can't bring myself to call them friends. All we ever do is loiter at the beach or at the skate park, party late into the night or vandalize property. It is not my idea of fun, but I have been trying hard to fit in.

This group, it is not very different than the one I used to hang around with before I started out at the Academy two years ago. Dylan reminds me a lot of Aaron and Stevie of Kayla. Maybe that's why I am here, instead of at the Academy. But if I am honest with myself, they are nothing like Aaron and Kayla. Those two really cared about me and Dylan and Stevie care about no one but themselves.

Before long, the sky turned dark and the atmosphere cooled down. We piled up a few logs lying around and lit a fire. The others started dancing and drinking. I was in no mood for that so I just stretched my legs and watched them.

"Catch!" yelled Dylan as he threw a soda can at me. I caught it deftly and grinned at him.

"Come on dude, you gotta dance!" Stevie called out. I declined politely and stared at the bonfire sipping my soda. I wasn't sure dancing was my thing anymore. As I watched the dancers move clumsily, my thoughts strayed to the Academy. This was that time of day when the students usually gathered around in the common room. I could imagine Ben sitting on the couch goofing off, Abigail scoffing at his silly jokes, Grace rolling her eyes, and Ollie trying to suppress his laughter. I tried not to think of Kat or Tara, the two girls whose hearts I had broken. If I tried hard enough, I could probably remember every corner of that room. The vase that rested on the kitchen sill, the magnets that adorned the refrigerator, Sammy's smile in the photographs that decked the wall…

My breath caught as I thought of Sammy. My one best friend, the one who had looked out for me, the one who had cheered me up when I was down, the one who had been fiercely loyal to his friends, the one who I could talk to about anything, the one who knew what I had to say without me having to talk at all… I missed him so much; there wasn't a day that went by when I didn't think of him. Ever since Sammy's death, there had been this huge void inside of me. As I thought of my late friend, I could feel the familiar sting in my eyes, the grief threatening to overpower my fragile control. I bit the inside of my cheek hard to keep myself from screaming, almost drawing blood. I welcomed the pain, hoping it would help take away this awful emptiness inside me.

Sammy was the key reason I did not want to go back to the Academy. That place was filled with his memories and I did not think I was strong enough to face them. How could I ever forget the last conversation that I had with him? He didn't want me to go meet Tara, but I went anyway disregarding his wish. If only I had stayed back and gone with him on the run instead, he may have still been around. I didn't think I'd ever forgive myself for that. I didn't deserve happiness, I didn't deserve to be at the Academy, and I definitely didn't deserve Tara.

I had often questioned why I couldn't be more like Sammy. He had this aura of positivity around him. He gave off this good vibe that put people at ease, so one couldn't help but be friends with him… Yet instead, I seemed to be on this emotional pendulum – exhilaratingly happy one moment and down in the dumps the next… I had thought that going on the trip with Raf would help clear my mind. If anything, it had only served to make my future path and my role in this universe murkier.

As I sat on the beach lost in my thoughts, my phone vibrated indicating a voicemail. It was Tara. Almost all of my Academy friends had tried to get in touch with me and I had ignored their calls and texts. But Tara had been the most persistent of all. Calling me every week, sending me texts for Christmas and New Year's, sending me updates about Kat and her vacation at the farm… My refusal to respond had not deterred her one bit. Why would she just not give up? Deep in my heart, I knew I was being irrational and that my ire towards her was misdirected. But, it was just easier feeling anger and hatred for her than digging deeper. Hating her, for keeping me away from Sammy that day, for evoking all these emotions within me that I never wanted to feel, for knowing my deepest desires before I knew them myself…. I tried to shake my thoughts off. I said a hurried goodbye to the gang and took off running towards Raf's house hoping the physical exertion would help distract me.


	2. Misery loves company

**Thank you for your kind reviews folks! I truly appreciate it. Nothing inspires a writer better than positive feedback, so please keep it coming!**

"A greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances." - **Martha Washington**

When I stepped out of the house today, it was cloudy, as if the surroundings were depicting my mood. The few morning rays peeking through the gray fluffs cast a dim morning light on the beach, cloaking the chill in the crisp autumn air. The beach was deserted, save a few walkers and sandpipers. It was still nippy, but I wanted to catch the early morning waves and avoid the crowds. As I swam into the bay with my board shielding me, the cold water chilled me to the bone, but I didn't care. It was exhilarating to ride right into the tube of the misty, foam filled waves. An hour in, a slight drizzle drove away the walkers. I continued to surf until the drizzle turned into a steady downpour, forcing me to stop. My muscles were straining from the added stress as I headed back, my mood sourer than when I had started.

I heard voices in Raf's garage/workshop as I hoisted my board against the wall and walked in.

"He didn't tell me school was back on." Raf was talking to a girl whose back was towards the door. But I could tell who those wavy brown locks belonged to anywhere. My heart skipped a beat with pleasure. The joy didn't last long though. I was already annoyed with myself for being momentarily happy that she had travelled all this way for me.

"It's nearly March Raf. You probably could have worked it out," I scowled.

"Hey, how are you?" Tara's voice was tinged with concern.

"Freezing," I grumbled as I walked over to grab a towel. I did not have to turn around to see what her reaction was. I could imagine the distress on her face.

"I forgot Tara called the other day and I said she should come up and say hi," Raf explained. How he could forget something like that was beyond me. I had no explanation for my growing anger at him. I however, finally knew why I was cross with her. Sammy's death seemed not to have changed her one bit; not her outlook, not her thoughtfulness, not her loyalty… whereas I suffered with the terrible burden every minute of every day…

"Anyway, you guys probably want to.… you know I should…" he said awkwardly, leaving me and Tara alone.

"So, what's happening? Have you been doing any classes?"

"Yeah, at Kingston Central's class of Arts," I replied derisively.

"Christian, I am sorry for just showing up but you promised you'd come back and I can handle you breaking that promise. But then totally falling off the grid…didn't you think we'd worry about you?"

The care in her voice grated on my nerves. I wanted to yell, the anger in me portending to break free. Instead I chose cynicism again knowing that would force her to partake in my gloom. "Who's we?"

"Everyone, your friends!"

As I shrugged my sweatshirt on, I finally looked her in the eye and said, "I've got friends here. Have a safe trip back." _Liar!_ My inner voice screamed at me. But I silenced it, pushing into a corner of my brain hoping it would stay there for eternity.

I saw her smile falter and fade as my harsh comments found their mark. As I walked away from her, the pain in her eyes haunted me. I should have been pleased that she left without another word. Once again I had crushed her heart with my cruelty, yet I felt no sense of triumph. Instead, I felt this ache deep in my chest, as an old agony resurfaced. The pain brought with it the realization that my heart would never stop longing for Tara, no matter how much I told myself that I should stay away from her. Despite my best intentions to hang onto it, this illogical hatred was starting to loosen its vice-like grip on me.


	3. Home is where the heart is

**Thanks yet again to my loyal readers for taking time to read and leave reviews. It means the world to me. Just in case, here it is: I do not own DA or any of the characters, all rights belong to ABC3, Australia.**

**I hope this long chapter makes up for the two previous short ones!**

"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts." **- Oliver Wendell Holmes **

Kingston, a city famous for its wines, is not sheltered by trees and generally windy. However, today was unusually calm and beautiful. Blue skies as far as the eye could see were marked with a spattering of soft white clouds. Such a pretty sight could warm the soul of anyone less troubled than I. The wheels below me swallowed the black pavement as I rolled down to the beach, where people were soaking up the Sun's warmth.

As I rolled to a stop, my hands laden with the takeout bags filled with fish and chips, I heard a voice call out, "If you forgot the chicken salt C-dawg…"

As I handed over the goodies to Stevie, I noticed Dylan leaning on a dirty car with a smirk on his face and a soda in his hand.

"Hey look, a sale!" he exclaimed as he circled the car to the front. "I need wheels!"

"You also need a job mate," I said. By now, I had sarcasm down to a science.

But it didn't faze Dylan one bit as he carried on, "Shut up, I have cash!"

"Is that why I bought you chips again?" Not that I was rolling in cash or anything, but I seemed to be doing most of the spending around these people. Thankfully, Raf had been paying me these past few months for helping him out with the surfboards. Once again my remarks rolled off him like water off a duck's back.

"Look, the bonnet's dirty. Reckon I can talk 'em down," he sneered as he poured his soda on the car. The others started laughing at his antics.

"You're an idiot!" I walked away from him, irritated with his behavior. My inner voice, the one I thought I had banished forever, beseeched me to get out of there and head back to where my real friends were. I paid no attention to it, and focused instead on my desire to make a place for myself away from the Academy.

We partied late into night that day. Dylan came up with the idea to burn the "Do not litter" sign against which we had practiced darts with our soda cans earlier in the day. I swallowed my annoyance at the pettiness of his actions and faked enthusiasm instead. I sat on the beach with my arm around Stevie in companionable silence. Soon, Dylan pulled her to dance with him. They knew by now not to ask me. The last time Stevie questioned me why I didn't dance, I had joked painfully about having two left feet.

As I sat alone watching the blazing flame, my mind started wandering again, back to the Academy. Since Tara's visit, my conscience had been urging me constantly to return to Sydney, to the place where I was finally starting to put down some roots, to the place where I had finally found my true mates….My gaze grew wistful as I thought of the wonderful times I had had at the Academy.

Later in the night or maybe early morning, we said good bye to each other. I dragged my tired self to Raf's house and decided to crash right there in the garage. It seemed like too much of an effort to walk up to the bedroom. As I lay down on the couch, sleep crept on me gently. I had these vivid dreams of being back at the Academy, of being back in the room I had shared with Sammy for two years...The most vivid of them all was of being back on the Observatory hill picnicking with my friends; where the grass underneath my feet was a bright green, the lawn perfectly manicured, and the bushes surrounding me filled with blooms. I could feel the cool breeze ruffle my hair slightly as a bee started buzzing about my ears… I tried to shoo it away, but my efforts were in vain. The buzzing got louder by the second forcing me to open my eyes. I realized the noise came from the sanding machine Raf was using to smooth the boards. He probably detected movement on the couch.

"Well, well, well! Someone crawled in late," he said. He threw a mask towards me. "You can keep sleeping, but you'll have to put a mask on."

I caught the mask but made no effort to get up.

"Come on, you're here to work. We're losing daylight." Raf seemed irritated. "Let's go!" he urged me on.

With a resigned sigh, I got out of my makeshift bed and headed inside to get cleaned up. My head pounded from having stayed up so late and my stomach growled hungrily. I poured some cereal into a bowl and sat down at the table. The place was silent, except for the scraping noise of my spoon against the bowl. As I munched on the Coco Pops, my eyes wandered about the place I had been living in the past few months.

Raf had done his best to turn this house into a home. The worn chocolate brown leather couch looked comfortable and inviting, with several colorful pillows propped on its sides. The hearth of the fireplace was surrounded by cast stones, adding a rustic charm to the place. The soft sheepskin rug invited you to curl your toes on it. There were a few pictures of my mom and him on the mantle, a constant reminder of what could have been had they stayed together.

Raf and me had watched many a footy games on the big screen TV that was mounted on the fireplace. He had even tried to redecorate the bedroom I was using with the Sydney Swans theme. I had not had the heart to tell him that "Red, White and True" just didn't have the same appeal to me as it probably did to him, that rugby was not really my thing.

I was still absorbed in my thoughts as I washed and dried my bowl, and headed back to the garage. I silently helped Raf prep the boards for a couple of hours. If only he had been quiet a little longer, things may not have turned out the way they did. He said, "You're getting good at this. You've been paying attention, aye?"

I tried swallowing my annoyance at his comments. He should have known by now that I did not share his passion for making the boards!

Raf slouched down to examine our work closely. "This is nice! Great rails mate!" He probably thought that he was being encouraging. "Few kids have asked me to teach 'em this stuff over the years. But none of them really had the knack. Looks like it's in the genes or something, aye?"

I scowled as I put my mask back on and laid the sander on the board. _Was he ever gonna shut up?_

"If dancing doesn't do it for you, at least you'll have a backup!" He smirked as he put his mask back on. Did he really think that I enjoyed doing this? That I wanted to be good at this? But a part of me recognized the truth in what he said. After all, I had given up dancing voluntarily. And it hurt…like hell… His words were like a kick in my gut and the pounding in my head got worse. I wasn't sure who I was angry with more, Raf or myself. As I purposefully let the sander slip, Raf yelled, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Christian, what are you doing?"

"Christian!" he yelled again when I walked away in a huff without responding.

"Working in your crappy garage isn't my idea of a dream job, ok?" I yelled back.

"Ok," he said scornfully. "Listen mate, it's been great having you around here…"

"But you're over it, right?"

"I didn't say that. Now, I get that you wanted to chill out after your mate died, I do. And you know, I haven't pushed school or anything, but bumming around Kingston with those drop kids!"

Had I really expected that Raf would stay a friend and not try to be my dad? It was a miracle that our delicate truce had lasted as long as it had. "You serious? You calling them drop kids!"

"Well, it's not helping, is it?"

"Great dad voice you've been working on Raf! Really close," I said angrily as I stomped out.

As I walked out, I noticed a dark sedan with a white hood roll to a stop in front of me. Loud hip hop music blasted from inside the car. I was surprised to see Dylan in the driver's seat. He leaned out of the open window and said, "Hey, C-dawg! Told you I could talk him down!" He drummed impatiently with his fingers on the door. "Get in already."

Without giving it any further thought, I climbed in to the rear seat and focused on the landscape surrounding us. The view along the Marine Parade was amazing; deep blue waters to our right and the hilly shoreline peppered with bungalows to our left. After we drove a few kilometers in silence, I asked, "So what's the damage?"

"It was an absolute steal!" he smirked and looked at Stevie as if they were sharing a private joke. Everyone in the car started laughing at me. "Look at him, he seriously believed it!"

That's when it struck me. For the first time since being with them, I was afraid. The pounding in my head hit a crescendo. This was a lot different than writing graffiti on walls or destroying street signs. If I got caught with them, I'd probably have the worst of it. I tried to reason with them, "Dude, this is stupid. We have to…we have to return it before someone realizes."

"Nah," Dylan and the others shook their heads.

"Fine, let me out," I said as I unbuckled. Seeing that he made no effort to stop the car, I burst out, "Let me out you idiot! I've got a record!"

All I got in response was, "So does me mom…"

"Stop the car!" I screamed. I finally seemed to get through to them as Dylan pulled over and let me out. He still had the last word though, "Have fun walking home, douche!"

As I trekked the long way back, the cool sea air calmed me and helped ease the pounding in my head. I was alone after a long time, even though not by choice, and was finally forced to examine the choices I had made for the past few months. By the time I reached Raf's house, my mind was made up. I stood watching Raf as he sanded one of the boards, saying a silent goodbye.

I sneaked into my bedroom, packed my meager belongings and the little cash I had, and headed back down. The motorcycle sprang into life with just one kick, as if it was waiting to go on an adventure too. As I rode off onto the open road, I could hear Raf yelling my name. But nothing was going to stop me, I was at last going home.


	4. Self-Sabotage

**First of all, I'd like to wish all of you a happy new year 2014. May God bless each and every one of you! **

**Thanks again for your reviews folks! They inspire me to try and better myself every time. **

**I am not a resident of Australia, so I had to do some research about the Australian geography and lingo. If I have anything stated incorrectly, my apologies! And please feel free to correct me, I am always open to learning!**

**Happy reading everyone :) And as always, eagerly awaiting your reviews!**

It's just not fair  
Pain's more trouble than love is worth  
I gasp for air  
It feels so good, but you know it hurts

The feelings are lost in my lungs  
They're burning, I'd rather be numb  
Yeah, there's no one else to blame (no one else)  
So scared I take off in a run  
I'm flying too close to the sun  
And I burst into flames

**-Demi Lovato**

The journey to Sydney was long and tiresome, but I felt like someone who was possessed. It felt good to finally have an objective, to know where I was heading. I only made a couple of stops to fill petrol. Before long, a cloak of darkness enveloped the surroundings. My lack of sleep was finally catching up to me, forcing me to stop at Bendigo, seeking shelter. Since I could not afford a hotel stay, I opted to get some shut-eye on one of the benches at the city's main bus stop. It was not the most comfortable bed I had ever slept on, but it served the purpose.

Even though I was scared of being in the open where anti-social elements roamed free, my tired body yielded to sleep in no time. The gentle rays of the sun caressed me awake, like a mother waking her child. After I grabbed a bite to eat at a local fast food, I felt renewed and ready to go again. I hopped onto M31 and headed towards Sydney. The long journey made me appreciate what Tara had endured to come see me and I felt ashamed of how I had treated her. When I was just a few miles away from the Academy, my heart started racing as I thought about seeing my friends again. I couldn't wait to surprise all of them, especially Tara. I was fairly certain that she would forgive me for my behavior earlier and be happy to see me.

I reached the student residence only to realize that all the dancers would be down at the Academy. I stopped my bike and observed my destination with a sense of accomplishment. I was finally home!

I looked down at the building where the dance lessons would be in full swing. The sun's bright rays reflected on the rippling waters of the Walsh bay creating a picturesque scene. Although the familiarity of my surroundings was calming, I was plagued by my fears again. I decided to put off facing my Academy mates a little longer and opted to visit my old pal Kayla instead. When my text to her went unanswered, I tried calling her. Unfortunately, I got a message that the number I was trying to reach had been disconnected. I travelled to her apartment only to discover she didn't live there anymore. I went down to where Kayla practiced her dance moves.

I was in for more disappointment. There was no Kayla there as well, just a few 12-13 year olds practicing hip hop. I asked if any of them knew where she was now. "She used to live over there, Kayla Runakov?"

"I think her and the Kamish Crew got a job in Brisbane or something," one of them replied. "Don't you have her address?"

"I used to. It doesn't matter," I answered with resignation. I was a little sad and disappointed that Kayla had taken off without a single word to me. But my conscience mocked me, asking me if I remembered the last time I had contacted her.

As I turned around to get back, I noticed one of the kids fall over as he tried to execute an elevated freeze. The dancer in me couldn't stop from offering him some help. "You're never gonna plant it if your hands are that far across." I showed him how to get it right. As I stood there cheering them on, I realized that was the most fun I had had in ages.

All too soon, the sun rolled below the horizon and the night started to sneak on us. The kids began leaving one by one, forcing me to take leave too. As I turned my bike around to head back to the Academy, the doubts that I had held in check for the past couple of days began to creep back in. Aaron's words echoed in my ears. "You think they'll ever let you be one of them, a ballet boy? You can't change, mate." Maybe he was right. Maybe I didn't belong here. And then, as if reinforcing those thoughts, Ethan's voice rang clear in my head, "It's clear you don't want to be here. So, why don't you just crawl back to the rat hole you came out of? And everyone's happy!"

I was back on my emotional seesaw, my negative thoughts pushing me back down, without any idea of how to pull myself up. I felt my fear of failure dragging me under, and I wasn't so sure about my decision to go back anymore. I think even Mother Nature could feel my distress and started shedding tears for me. I was only a few meters away from the student residence when I stopped. I pulled the bike over onto the footpath and tried to protect myself against the cold drizzle by taking shelter against a wall. But I had already abused my body these past couple days and it protested, my inner voice pleading with me to find warmth, and food. I finally gave in to my needs and headed back to my original destination.

I parked my motorcycle and gathered my backpack. I still had my key to the place, so I let myself in. Once inside, it was as if my feet had their own life and headed to Tara's room of their own volition. As I knocked on the door and waited, my heart was filled with anticipation. Tara opened the door, a toothbrush in her mouth, and looked at me with shock. And then she smiled at me, as if she knew I'd come back. There was no malice in her face despite my cruelty earlier. As I looked at her welcoming face, I wanted nothing more than to gather her in my arms. I knew I'd find solace there. But before I got a word out, my stomach rumbled noisily, embarrassing me.

"You must be hungry! Just wait a sec," she said as she went back into her room. She came out soon and I followed her to the kitchen. She quickly whipped up a cheese omelet. I was glad that the refrigerator there was well stocked. As I silently wolfed my food down, she headed back to her room and came back with a towel to dry myself. I glanced around the room, realizing the irony in the fact that there was the tranquility in my surroundings that I had been looking for elsewhere.

"You're probably tired, Christian," she said tenderly. "We'll talk in the morning. I think Ms. Histead won't mind you crashing on the couch for tonight, though."

I was too worn-out to say anything to her. I just nodded my head in agreement and proceeded to lay down on the couch, sleep almost instantaneously embracing me. As if in a dream, I heard her whisper, "Good night Christian! I'm glad you're back!" I wanted to reply, to tell her I was glad to be back too, but my brain felt like mush and I decided I'd tell her soon.

After what felt like a really short time, I heard the patter of steps around me and sounds of whispers; as if people were trying to go about their daily business, but tiptoeing around so that they wouldn't wake me up. My mind was fully awake, but I couldn't move a muscle in my body. The events of the previous day replayed in my mind. The full force of my actions hit me. I had probably raised Tara's hopes up about us getting back together. Tara had always envisioned a future for the both of us that involved dancing. But, what if I wasn't allowed to get back into the Academy? What kind of a job would I land without finishing the three year course? What kind of future would I be able to offer her? How would I be able to deal with not dancing myself? Wouldn't I be better off to nip her _and_ my hopes in the bud before they blossomed and caused more heartache later?

I was still mulling over the facts in my mind when someone big jumped over me and screamed, "Escape is futile, earthling!"

"Seriously, what are you doing?" I pushed Ben off me. I noticed Ollie sitting at the end of the couch. The three of us were still laughing at Ben's silliness when Tara walked in and sat on the coffee table.

"So are you back or are you back?" Ollie asked me.

"I figured this place is as good as any to cruise for a year."

"Cruise?" Tara uttered in disbelief. "You have no idea how intense our classes are right now!"

There she went again, being so passionate and steadfast, that my decision became easier. I had to keep her at arm's length, at least until I knew more about my future at the Academy. Knowing my words would hurt her but get me the result I desired, I said, "I'm back five minutes and she already wants to pie-chart my life." I lay down and closed my eyes pretending humor, but I didn't want anyone to see the distress in them, especially Tara. She could easily catch my lie if she did. I could imagine the same anguish mirrored in her eyes. I heard Ben and Ollie laugh, but Tara made no sound. I gave a moment to compose myself and opened my eyes. She had left the room.

Ollie noticed my searching gaze and gave me a sharp look. He didn't say a word, but I realized that nothing could escape his penetrating stare. I would have to be more careful around him. I was thankful that Ben remained oblivious though. He said, "We need to be heading to the Academy now, dude. Zach has been asking for you. You better meet him soon."

I nodded my head in acceptance. "Don't want to hold you guys up. See you later fellas!"

The two headed back to their rooms to get ready for the day. I decided to get some more rest before facing Zach. I needed the energy, I reasoned with myself. I was barely asleep when I felt someone pull the blanket off me.

"Oh!" I fell off the couch to see an agitated Abigail reaching for the blanket and using it to cover herself. She looked like she hadn't slept well and was having her own issues to deal with.

"So you just bat those sleepy lashes and the Academy begs you to come back?" she asked me in an irritated tone.

"I have friends in high places." I tried to wipe the sleep off my eyes as I sat back on the couch. "How was Barcelona?"

I thought she was ignoring me till she replied, "I have Lyme disease, official bed rest." She didn't meet my eyes as she started working on a puzzle.

Although I was perplexed at her behavior, I didn't dwell on it for too long. I picked myself up, got cleaned, mustered enough courage and headed down to the Academy.

A look at the class schedules told me Zach was teaching the second year class. As I stood outside his classroom, I noticed a well-dressed older guy doing the talking, in there with Zach. I waved to catch Zach's attention. He noticed it immediately and came outside to meet me. All my apprehension vanished as Zach reached out and hugged me like a son. He didn't question me as to why I hadn't showed up all these days. Instead, he suggested we go see Ms. Raine and talk about having my admission and scholarship reinstated. I felt ashamed that I had forgotten how caring and supportive Zach had been to me last year.

Zach knocked on Ms. Raine's door as we let ourselves in.

"Hi," I said meekly.

"Out," Ms. Raine told her goddaughter Grace who was in the room with her. "Out," she pushed her when Grace didn't show any signs of moving. I raised my eyebrows at Grace acknowledging her presence. I was surprised to see her there. After winning the Prix de Fonteyn, I thought she would have chosen to be closer to her family in London.

Ms. Raine motioned for us to sit down.

"I think you know why Christian's here, Lucy," Zach started off.

"We are six weeks into term," Ms. Raine said helplessly. It appeared that the matter of my re-admission did not rest in her hands.

"Christian and I could do one-on-one classes. It'd only be, what, ten or twelve hours a week," Zach tried reasoning with her. I looked at him with gloom and horror. I had known that this would be hard, but hadn't known how much of a burden I would be and how much extra work I would be causing for him.

"Unfortunately, it's not just a matter of making up what's been missed." Ms. Raine looked at me with pity in her eyes. "You know your place here depends on the scholarship. The board told me that they've already re-distributed those funds."

I was ready to give up and walk out then and there, but Zach wouldn't give up that easily. "Well, they meet again tomorrow, don't they? We can take it to them, plead extenuating circumstances."

I was feeling more and more mortified by the minute for putting him through this. "It's too hard," I said in a defeated voice.

"We'll sort this out, all right? This is where you belong."

I was kind of glad that he was in my corner and so, I agreed to do what he wanted me to, although I felt there was no hope. I knew I had no one else to blame for the situation I was in, my self-destructing ways had finally led me to here and now. I was headed in a downward spiral, not knowing how to make things better not just for me, but for everyone around me as well.


	5. There and back again

**I am really overwhelmed with all the positive response I am getting to this story. Thanks to all of you that take precious time out to not just read, but also care enough to leave feedback! Can't wait to read your review for this chapter.**

**For those of you wondering why Christian's inner voice is prominently featured in this story: I got the idea from episode 10 where he talks about all the voices in his head and I thought that he probably heard his voice too, but chose to ignore it.**

I've seen your best side  
You got to see my worst  
It's not the first time  
But this one really hurts  
Oh, oh, yeah, this one's gonna… it hurts

**- Avril Lavigne**

My aim for the day – avoid Tara successfully. I knew my efforts to snub her wouldn't have a lasting effect. Her loyalty would ensure that she would come around to enquire about what had transpired that day. So, after meeting with Ms. Raine, instead of heading back to the student residence, I waited outside the third year boys' class.

As I looked through the glass window that separated the classroom from the hallway, the memories of my first ever time at the Academy came back. I had auditioned in that very room, along with the many other hopefuls. I had been the only one without proper ballet attire, with nary a care whether I got in or not. I had been there only because I had promised my mum that I'd audition. The plan was to travel to Indonesia with Aaron after that; surfing, skating, living the dream. Even after I had received my acceptance letter, I had not made an attempt to come back here. If Aaron and I hadn't been caught a few days later, trying to rob the petrol station, who knows where I would be today?

But since I had become a student at the Academy, my attitude had taken a turn. I was still on the fence about whether it was for better or for worse. I had avoided prison, made friends, found a mentor, found love, had my heart broken and broken hearts in return. But most of all, I had rediscovered dancing. It had become my passion; and I had come to the realization that when I danced, I could be myself.

How things change! I thought. Here I was, only now I was the one wanting to get back into the Academy. I had left my life of surfing and skating behind willingly. And this time, I was prepared. I even had tights if I needed to audition again. I almost laughed aloud at the irony of it all. If ever there was a case of the Universe mocking someone, this was it!

I was lost in my thoughts when the group of students spilled out of the room. Ollie spotted me first and waved. He was soon joined by Ben, his face breaking out into a smile when he saw me there.

I walked over to them and asked, "So, do you guys have any plans for the rest of the day?"

"We have loads of homework, so…" Ben said.

"I'll leave you two to it then," I said dejectedly.

"Told you I could fool him!" he high-fived Ollie. "We have no plans other than celebrating your return, mate! Ollie here has offered to take us out for dinner."

Ben had a mischievous smile on his face and I looked at Ollie, puzzled. Ollie shook his head in resignation and said, "Since you are the guest of honor, Reedo, you get to pick the place."

"You don't have to…" I hesitated, even though I knew Ollie could afford it.

"We haven't had much to celebrate for some time dude. You can't stop us even if you try; we'll gag you and drag you if need be," Ben exclaimed.

I gave in, it fit into my plans perfectly anyway. "How about some pizza? I know this great place close to the harbor," I offered. "I can call a cab."

"Don't bother. We'll take my car. Besides, I don't get to drive as much as I'd like to," Ollie declared.

The three of us walked out of the Academy.

A few minutes later, we were headed towards the harbor in Ollie's red convertible. Even as the cool wind mussed my hair and my clothes, the setting sun's rays warmed my heart. We sang alongside the song playing on the radio, enjoying the music and each other's company. Soon, we were inside the restaurant, where we placed our orders and waited.

Ben asked the question that had probably been on his mind all along. "What did Zach say? When are you starting classes?"

I toyed with the idea of not saying anything to either of them. But my inner voice cautioned me against lying to friends. So I told the two of them what had happened in Ms. Raine's office and how Zach was going to take me to the board meeting the next day so we could convince them to take me back.

"You can share my room," Ollie suggested. "We can talk to Ms. Histead tomorrow after your meeting."

"I can run you through all the stuff we've been taught so far," Ben proposed.

"Thanks for the offer guys," I said, overcome with emotion. I wished I shared their confidence.

We stopped over at the Arcade next door and loitered there for a while, until Ollie checked his watch and said, "It's almost time for curfew, we better be heading back!"

We left the place reluctantly and headed back to the student residence where I was destined for a few more nights on the couch, or at least I hoped I did. Ms. Histead had grudgingly agreed to let me stay until the matter of my re-admission was resolved.

We made it just in time. The place was quiet except for the noise of the crackling fire in the fireplace. I bid a hurried good night to the guys and proceeded to turn in for the night. As I lay down on the couch, the gravity of the situation hit me in the solar plexus. My future was hanging in the balance, and I was terrified. I had never missed Sammy so much. I could have talked to him and he would have understood.

_You can talk to Tara_, my inner voice said. _She'll understand, she loves dancing too._ I almost got up to go to Tara's room. I missed being able to talk to her, but I had to stay strong and rein my thoughts in. I hoped Zach would be able to convince the board to take me in. I tossed around restlessly, sleep eluding me for the rest of the night. As the first rays of the sun peeked through the windows, I jumped up and headed to the shower.

When I headed down to the kitchen to grab some breakfast, Tara ambushed me.

"Ben told me that you have a board interview today," she complained. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it's not a big deal," I lied. She was making it harder for me to stick to my resolve.

"Well, if the board wants to see you, it probably is." Tara glared at me. "You should be wearing dress clothes. You're not going to wear that to the interview, are you?" she asked me, in reference to the casual t-shirt and shorts I had on.

"I've danced in these clothes before," I replied sarcastically.

As I walked in, I noticed Abigail sprawled on the floor, still working on her puzzle. She was still very unkempt and munching on a donut, very unlike the perfectionist Abigail I knew from the previous years. I saw Kat at the kitchen table. I was yet to make eye contact with her, having hardly exchanged a word since my return.

"Kat, tell him he can't wear this to his board interview," Tara implored her best friend.

Although I knew Tara was right and was probably going to do as she suggested, I said, "Kat, tell Tara that I am not going to dance for the board in a suit and tie."

Kat just raised her hands implying she didn't want to get involved. I was kind of glad, I didn't know how I would have defended my stand further.

Tara probably realized she was fighting a losing battle and left for her classes soon, and I was glad she wasn't there to see me in my suit and tie. I headed to the Academy shortly thereafter, a bundle of nerves. Zach was waiting for me at the entrance. If anything, he seemed tenser than me, which did nothing to calm me.

"Don't worry! We'll get through to them," he said. I wasn't sure who he was trying to assure - me or himself.

We waited impatiently outside the room, till Ms. Raine popped her head out and said, "They're ready to see you." She gave me an approving glance, and I was glad I had taken Tara's advice.

Once inside, Zach took a seat next to Ms. Raine and the three board members. I stood alone in front of them, feeling like a criminal up for trial.

There were two elderly men, who looked like they'd rather be anywhere else, as if this was a waste of their time. I knew then that this probably wasn't going to work.

And there was this lady with a dog, which she held in her arms. If I wasn't worried, I probably would have laughed at the way she had dressed her dog up, all in pink. She did all the talking. "We've looked closely at your grades, Mr. Reed. And, I have to say for a scholarship student, they fluctuate rather alarmingly."

That one was easy. "Well, dancing isn't about exams for me. It never has been."

"Perhaps you might start by explaining why you decided not to come back at the start of the year."

Zach hung his head and sighed, "Oh, man!"

Even though I had expected the question, I could feel my throat constrict. Sammy's memories came flooding back. The blood rushed to my head and my stomach tied itself in knots. "I…uh…I just couldn't." I said choking on the words.

"The school has invested a significant amount of time and money in you Mr. Reed. I think we deserve more than that."

Zach probably sensed my discomfort and pain and jumped up to my defense. "Christian's second year suffered a terrible tragedy in the final semester!"

The lady was relentless. "We were all saddened by the loss. But, every other student managed to come back on time."

Zach was close to begging them and I was closer to tears than I had been in a long time. "Christian was particularly close to Sammy Lieberman. But I am sure he can better articulate what he was going through…"

"Please, enlighten us," she said, although she seemed more interested in her dog than in what I had to say.

My eyes burned from the unshed tears and my head throbbed with the effort of holding my emotions in check. I had no interest in bringing up Sammy's name again. He deserved better than that. I also had no intentions of giving them the satisfaction of seeing me on my knees, begging and crying. "I have nothing more to say," I said quietly before I left the room.

I could hear Zach and Ms. Raine still trying to reason with the board as I walked out. "He's been a good student…he's very talented…"

I opened the doors to see Tara waiting for me. "Christian, wait! Didn't they want to see you dance?" she asked in concern.

My suppressed feelings erupted free, like a dam overflowing, like a tidal wave that destroys everything in its path. Tara took the full brunt of the impact. "Can't you see how desperate you look? I do not know how to make it any clearer! I don't want to be with you, ok?" Her eyes filled up with tears at my harsh remarks. I slammed the door in her face and headed outside.

A part of me wanted her to follow me, to yell back at me, to question me, to hug me, to reassure me that things would get better. And that part of me wanted to lean on her for support, to lose myself in her and let future take its own course. Yet, there was this other part of me that wanted to keep her away, away from the pain that being with me brought, away from the uncertainty that was my life, away from the insanity of my negativity that I seemed unable to shake off…

Once outside, I had to work harder to hold the scream that was threatening to break free, in rein. Tara's hurt face swam into my vision. I broke off into a run, not caring that people around me were looking at me as if I was crazy. As I reached the opera house, I ran out of steam and stood by the wall overlooking the bay, panting. My future seemed more blurry than ever, and I was scared.

I wondered why Tara kept coming back to me, despite my hostile behavior towards her. _Because she loves you_, my inner voice whispered. At the same time, Kat's voice rang clear in my head, "She's finally happy! And she's over you!" I grabbed my head in my hands, squeezing my eyes shut, for the fear that the tears would really break free.

Whatever tomorrow brought, I knew I had made the right decision of keeping Tara away. But I just wished I could have done it without hurting her, but sadly, hadn't known how.


End file.
